Logan – March 3rd
Bad. Ass. This is a must see. Can a superhero movie win an Oscar? Maybe not. Can Logan win an Oscar? You’re god damn right it can. This isn’t a superhero movie. It’s a movie about an old man staring down mortality when a young girl who shares his unique and painful disfigurement needs his help to understand how to survive and live with herself. That’s a legitimate synopsis of Logan, and one that any critic would give heavy consideration towards. It shouldn’t matter that the “unique and painful disfigurement” happens to be 12″ knives coming out of their knuckles.
The Shack – March 3rd
I’ve had this day marked on my calendar ever since I saw this trailer in theaters. I’ve been counting the days until I could publish my thoughts on The Shack.
I am certain of this: The Shack will be the worst movie ever created, produced, and viewed in the history of cinema. It will ruin careers. It will be unbearable to sit through. It will be the free movie option on airplanes. You will find this DVD in a bin with National Treasure and Grown Ups for $3.99 within the year.
Before I Fall – March 3rd
I’ve seen this movie before. It was better when Bill Murray starred in it and it was called Groundhog Day.
The Last Word – March 3rd
It’s nice seeing the sexy mouse from Mean Girls all grown up.
This one had SO much potential. A miserable old lady who is a control freak wants to proofread her own obituary despite being the most hated woman ever? Interesting enough. This is a certified challenge for our sexy mouse, but instead of running with it they decided to re-direct and make it a feel good fluff movie about an old white lady being the fun & cool mentor to an inner city child. Pass.
Table 19 – March 3rd
Going to a wedding is a gigantic and expensive pain in the ass. The only exception would be if it’s for one of your closest friends and you go with the rest of your friends. In that case it’s really fun but still stupid expensive. You don’t go to a wedding solo unless you absolutely have to be there. I want to say falling in love at a wedding is a myth too but unfortunately I can’t. It happened to one of my closest friends. Oh and my parents. Yes I wouldn’t be here typing this right now if it weren’t for a wedding romance.
But you know what this movie got wrong? Table numbers DO NOT MATTER. They just don’t. There is certainly a table of oddballs at every wedding but the table number is irrelevant. The only true thing that came out of this trailer was the line about getting invited just for the registry gift. Wine glasses break. Especially the expensive ones. You can never have too many.
Kong: Skull Island – March 10th
King Kong and Godzilla. Those two stories can be remade, rebooted, and retooled an endless amount of times and it will still work. Typically they’re not smash hits, but they do well enough. This one though? This has blockbuster written all over it. It looks AMAZING. Tom Hiddleston & Brie Larson puts asses in seats, and this may be John C. Reilly’s finest work. What’s better than a giant monkey? How about a giant monkey with giant spiders and giant lizard monsters and bombs and machine guns and funny one liners. That’s how you make Kong great again.
Beauty and the Beast – March 17th
I’ve already blogged my thoughts when this trailer was released a month ago. I’m into it, although maybe not as much as every girl between 20- 35. This has gotten more hype from them than a few years ago when soccer moms everywhere united over Magic Mike and 50 Shades of Gray.
Power Rangers – March 24th
Incredible. I need the Megazord like I need air. I need to watch a good putty fight. Give me Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa. Give me Zordon and Alpha 5. It’s pure 90’s porn. This is going to be a bad movie but it doesn’t matter. I don’t mean that as an insult either. It’s a movie based on a bad tv show that everyone loved. I’m extremely excited to see my childhood drenched in CGI and produced in HD. Never forget:
Life – March 24th
Ryan Reynolds in space? Honestly I didn’t need any more convincing, but then they went ahead and added Jake Gyllenhaal and space dust with a hunger for human hands.
Yes Yes Yes.
CHiPs – March 24th
I can’t wait to watch this on HBO when I’m drunk on a Saturday night. I’ll find it hilarious and love it. If I spend money to watch this in a theater then I’ll hate myself. Those are the facts.
The Zookeeper’s Wife – March 31st
This looks incredible. The book was a huge hit but I had no idea it was a true story. It’s like a hybrid of Shindler’s List crossed with Anne Frank. No doubt this movie will try to jerk some tears out of my face but I won’t let it. I won’t allow it. Unless there’s a dog in that fire. Then I’ll weep.
Nazis, man. Almost 80 years later and they’re still the worst. Nothing comes close.
Ghost in the Shell – March 31st
Weird, wild shit. Naked Scarlett Johansson running on walls shooting people? Asian robot spider people? Matirx stuff? Or is it more like the Framework from SHIELD? I’m at a total loss. I don’t know what I just watched.