Look, I knew what I was getting into. I watched that trailer and in no way did I expect something normal. I actually like weird movies. It’s good to watch things that are different. I thought maybe it would be something like a Wes Anderson film which would be awesome. But this? This was an art project gone too far. Whoever wrote this is an insecure person afraid of dying alone. They created an alternate reality where the world expects you to find a romantic partner within 45 days or you will be turned into an animal… It’s dripping with psychological issues.  Deep, dark issues. The kind of issues your therapist charges extra for.

I’m not against the premise. I think it’s actually a pretty good idea to make the pressure of finding someone to love into an over the top exaggerated movie. I take issue with the dull flat tone, the repetitive and consistent music, and the horrible things they made me watch. When I go into a “comedy” I certainly don’t expect to see a woman try to kill herself by jumping head first out of a second floor window. Obviously she didn’t succeed and instead just laid there screaming and bleeding all over the ground for what seemed like forever.  But that was a picnic compared to hearing some short haired bitch talking about kicking Colin Farrell’s dog/brother to death, and then showing the dead dog’s brutally beaten body with eyes open. AWFUL.

It was like the writer/director Yorgos Lanthimos woke up each morning, spun a wheel and whatever genre it landed on would be the way he would shoot the movie that day. Comedy/drama/romance is the official genre but I call bullshit because it dabbled in horror/thriller and a new genre I’ll create called “drug fueled art film student disaster”

Oh and Yorgos thinks he’s being clever with the ending. “ooohhh I ended the movie abruptly and didn’t reveal whether Colin Farrell blinded himself with a knife or not! That poor blind girl is just sitting there waiting. Will he come back blinded so they can be together? or will he ditch her? YOU’LL NEVER KNOW”  Well guess what Yorgos, I’m sitting here with a brain and I know exactly what happened. Even though I couldn’t care less, it’s clear he didn’t go through with it. They didn’t live happily ever after. How do I know this? The title of the fucking movie. Yes, he’s the lobster. He turned into a lobster because he never found someone to be with. He’s a lobster now. You’re not that clever.

Don’t waste your time.

45% critics score, just because of the creativity.  But this thing is getting 0.0 popcorns. I’ll leave you with a few gifs so you can get something out of this movie. It’s not much.

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