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Every year the nominees get together for the Oscars Nominee Luncheon. It’s a weird little tradition where the stars come to mingle and receive their official certificate of nomination. Apparently the nominees love it, relating it to graduation day where they all hang out with their friends. The certificate seems odd and outdated to me. Someone on the internet keeps these records so it’s not like they’re going to have to show this piece of paper to prove they were nominated. Do they frame it and hang it up like a college degree? Maybe they give it to their moms or drama teachers. That seems like a nice thing to do. I bet they do that.

The class photo is of course the biggest reason for having this luncheon. Like any class photo it captures the age of the people and era of the group which will be looked at years from now and laughed at. There are always winners and loser in these things. People who look great and others who look equally ridiculous and deserve to be singled out.

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I’ll start off by being nice. Emma Stone and Matt Damon. Electric smiles, beautiful people, power couple of the photo. Without a doubt the spot everyone wanted to be near.

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Ryan Gosling obviously pissed off he didn’t get to be with Emma and Matt and instead was shoved to the last row. That’s what you get for acting like the cool guy and assuming your lead actor nomination will get you prime seating. These things are like the lunch tables on the first day of school- you need to act fast or you’ll get screwed.  Be better Ryan. Be more like Dev Patel standing in front of you. So damn happy to be there after being snubbed 9 years ago when he starred in Slumdog Millionaire.

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Another guy who’s thrilled to be there is Tarell Alvin McCraney. I had to go looking for his name because a man with that kind of impact on a photo deserves recognition. Also, I needed to know what the hell he was doing with his hands. Turns out he’s the guy who wrote Moonlight which is loosely based on his life. There are two theories for the hand gesture: The dumb people think its 8 fingers for the 8 nominations Moonlight collected, but nobody shows 3 fingers by using the the middle through pinky fingers.  The real story is he’s flashing the 305 sign for Miami-Dade’s area code, his home. GANG SIGNS GASP!!!

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No clue who this guy is but that’s how you show 3 fingers. Thanks for making my point, mystery man hiding behind the woman with the dead eyed smile.

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Casey Affleck continues to be homeless. In contrast to the woman with the dead eyed smile- this is a dead guy smiling. Incredible. We’re literally watching a guy slowly die from the inside out and instead of organizing an intervention or shoving him into rehab we’re praising him for it. What if he wasn’t even acting in Manchester By The Sea? What if he just showed up on set wearing the same clothes every day to read his lines and then left to go drink at a local bar every night because he’s sinking into a deep depression? Think about it. Totally plausible.

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That’s not Jeremy Piven in the middle but it looks like it. These guys need to leave some breathing room between their heads because they’re uncomfortably close. Like a barbershop trio.

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Here we have a man who is probably 5′-8″ but fought to stand between the two shortest people in the photo so he would look really tall. Classic strategy.

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Justin Timberlake’s suit sucks. Pants are too short even by short pants standards, and if you want to pull off that much sock exposure then for gods sake make it worthwhile. Don’t go with some dull and faded looking socks that don’t really match the outfit. GAWD.

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This guy gets it… but his posture/foot placement is a certified disaster. Being in the front row is a big responsibility and obviously he can’t handle it. Middle row material at best.

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These two have the same hairdresser. Boom roasted.

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This is the man who refers to his work as a craft. He says film instead of movie. He refuses to drink water unless its imported from Italy. Nothing he does is ever good enough by his own standards because he’s constantly in pursuit of his masterpiece. He is a douchebag.

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This man is also a douchebag but we know his name is Pharrell. This level of casual clothing is so sub-par for the event that it’s clearly intentional so he can stand out. I believe the way a person dresses is a reflection on themselves and no one else… but in this situation I think it’s disrespectful to the rest of the nominees and the Academy. Take off the damn hat, or bump yourself to the back row. Dressing like that and standing next to the fucking statue is the biggest attention whore move of the year. Bravo, asshole.

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On the other side of the statue we have a classic class clown.  I get it. You’re excited to be here, you’ve grabbed a great spot for the picture, you’re having fun and make a gesture that says “wow can you believe I made it?!?” Have at it man. Enjoy yourself. These opportunities don’t come around very often, soak it up while you can.  This nomination could be your first and last one ever. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough for a few more. It’s not like anyone could ever be nominated 21 times. Oh shit that’s Kevin O’Connell.